Embracing the Stages of Parenting

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Truth be told, parenting is one of the most beautiful and difficult endeavors I’ve ever taken on. If you’re a parent, then you know what I mean. Our children have a unique way of pulling our heart strings that no one else can. Sometimes they fill us with so much love and pride we could burst, other times they leave us feeling completely gutted. With all the emotional turmoil that parenting brings, it can be hard to find a balance between the beauty and the hardship. There are a lot of opinions out there on the “correct way” to think and feel about parenting. I think many of the current ideas on that topic have value, but they need to be taken with a grain of salt. Let’s look at some of the more popular schools of thought on the matter. We’ll look for the elements that will allow us to be the best parents we can be and leave the rest. I’ll be sharing my thoughts on the matter, and it’s ok for you to have a different opinion on it. There is beauty in the differences of parenting styles. God gave YOU your kids, no one else. Follow God’s lead and you’re on the right track.

First up is the notion of don’t complain about parenting, enjoy all of it.

Let’s talk about the positive aspects of this mindset first. It’s so easy to complain, it really is. Finding the negative in things is human nature, even for all the optimists out there. So I think there is some merit to being mindful to not jump to complaining first when it comes to raising our kids, but to be intentional about finding the joy in whatever phase we are in—from newborn to grown and gone. Every phase of parenting has its own challenges and joys, and each child is different, giving their own flare to those joys and pains.

Now for the negatives of this mindset. Not all of parenting is fun and joyous, some of it is downright hard and painful. Every parent is going to have phases that resonate with them more than others. Some people live for the baby stage and struggle through the school-age years. Other parents may be miserable in the baby and toddler phase but love the teen years. You, as a parent, are unique in what will be your favorite phase(s), and that’s OK! You should never feel guilty for not “enjoying the phase while it lasts”. It’s ok if you don’t look back and miss the baby phase, it’s really ok.

Next, let’s consider the venting the struggle mindset.

Let me quickly explain this mindset. With this mindset, the parent vents or complains about the struggle of the phase they are in, or parenting in general. In our social media culture, these complaints often take the form of memes, tweets, or TikTok videos. We often share the complaints in a humorous manner, making fun of the struggle of the phase.

Some positives of this venting approach, is that it can help to relieve some of the stress of parenting. It can also help parents feel camaraderie with others who understand the challenges of the current phase. Sometimes it helps to laugh about the struggle you’re in.

The negative aspects of this mindset are that it can cause the parent to resent the child or children, usually a subliminal resentment. When we put our focus on something, it is amplified. So when we focus on the negative elements of the parenting phase we are in, it’s harder to find the positive parts of the phase. Even if we mean to just be joking, we can train our brain to focus on the frustrations rather than the joys.

The happy medium.

I suggest holding the positives of these two major trends together. It’s ok to vent your frustrations occasionally and to laugh about the commiseration with other parents, just remember to also constantly look for the joy. I can’t remember where I got the idea from, (probably my husband found a meme somewhere) to keep a journal where you write things your children did that day that made you smile—that brought you joy. I have a journal for each of my kids; I try to write in it every day. Some days I forget to write it down, but even on days I miss I still am more able to find the joy, even on the hardest days. By practicing the habit of writing down the joys, I’ve trained my brain to focus on the joy filled moments of parenting.

Whatever phase of parenting you’re in, whether it’s more joy or more pain, it’s just a phase—it will pass. You can’t speed it up, you can’t slow it down. So my advice is to take a deep breath, take it all in, look for the joy and cling to it and do your best to handle to frustrations with grace. How we celebrate the joys with our kids matters. How we react to the frustrations matters. The phase will pass. Maybe you’ll miss it, maybe you won’t. What won’t pass is the impact we have on our kids in the phase. We are forming the people they will become. Let’s not let a phase throw off the big picture.